A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Davros, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Exterminate!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by John Lumic, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Delete!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Tranter, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Nullify!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by David McPipeHelm, a brilliant individual driven insane by his crippled body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "Shut Up!"
A race of machine/humanoid hybrids created by Fred Basset, a brilliant dog driven insane by his magnetic body. They wish to kill all humans, and often say "ATRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACT!"
DOCTOR: She’s dead. The Tardis is dead.
PIPPUS: You can fix her, though. Right?
DOCTOR: She’s dead. There’s no light. We can’t fix her without light. We can’t see to fix her. Nothing would let us see to fix her now.
MICKEY: A torch would.
MICKEY: A torch would.
DOCTOR: Torch wouldn’t.
MICKEY: Torch would.
MICKEY: Torch would, torch would, torch would.
PIPPUS: Alright, calm down Mickey. Let’s have a game of scrabble to pass the time. I’ll go first. Errm. “B B C 3 A T 7 P M” – on a double word score.
MICKEY: How do you spell ‘Torch Wood’
DOCTOR: Torchwood. “T O R C H W O O D” Torchwood.
MICKEY: I’m going to put ‘torchwood’ then. From the ‘T’ in the ‘AT’ in the BBC3 AT 7PM.
PIPPUS: Torchwood, BBC3 at 7PM. Very good. Whose go is it now?
DOCTOR: That’s correct, sort of. It is Who’s go now.
MICKEY: I hope I’m going to win at scrabble. I am useless and never win at anything.
PIPPUS: You just need some luck, Mickey. Touch wood.
PIPPUS: Did I say Torchwood?
DOCTOR: Knock knock?
MICKEY: Who’s there.
DOCTOR: Torchwood, BBC3 7PM.
DOCTOR: And also, yes, it is me at the door.
DOCTOR, MICKEY AND PIPPUS ARE TIED TO A TREE IN THETFORD FOREST, CARDIFF. IT IS DARK. A GROUP OF GLASSY EYED HUMAN AUTOMATONS ARE CLOSING IN WITH FIRE LIGHTERS.
MICKEY: Why can’t you unlock the rope with your sonic screwdriver?
DOCTOR: Ropes don’t have locks, Mickey.
PIPPUS: But you said it could unlock everything.
DOCTOR: Only when that helps the plot.
PIPPUS: But we’re going to die. Who’s going to save us?
DOCTOR: Funny you should say that because he is.
MICKEY: Shut up.
PIPPUS: Why are they waving those fire lighters?
DOCTOR: Because they’re arsonists, Mickey!
MICKEY: But Chelsea won the league. What have they got to celebrate.
DOCTOR: Shut up.
PIPPUS: Arsonists burn things, Mickey, for fun.
MICKEY: Like MP3s, you mean?
DOCTOR: How contemporary and funky and perhaps, hopefully likely to appeal to teenagers. No, you idiot, things like us.
MICKEY: They’re going to burn us?
PIPPUS: They’re going to burn this whole forest down.
MICKEY: Thank God!
DOCTOR: It’s a wood, not a forest.
PIPPUS: What’s the difference?
DOCTOR: Shut up.
MICKEY: How do you know they’re going to burn it down?
DOCTOR: Shut up and listen.
AS THE ARSONISTS GET CLOSER, THE HEROIC TRIO ARE BATHED IN LIGHT. A HORRIBLE, CHILD’S-MIND-HAUNTING CHANTING CAN BE HEARD.
ARSONISTS: Torch Wood, Torch Wood, Torch Wood!
DOCTOR: That’s how I know. All of my enemies tell me what they going to do and repeat threefold before they do it. You know ‘Exterminate, Exterminate Exterminate, ‘Delete, Delete, Delete’, that kind of thing. These are saying ‘Torch wood, torch wood, torch wood’.
PIPPUS/MICKEY: Torch wood, torch wood, torch wood?
DOCTOR: Torch wood, torch wood, torch wood?
ARSONISTS: Torch wood, torch wood, torch wood.
VO: Torchwood BBC3 7PM.
GRAHAM NORTON: Welcome to Strictly Come Dancing Final. Wasn’t Doctor Who scary? All that ‘Torchwood’, ‘Torchwood’, ‘Torchwood’. Brrr, I’ll need a stiff one tonight. But now the final. Last year’s champions, Sean and Margo Rumandrasion from Hull will be passing on their crown to tonight’s eventual winners – either Sally and Brian Ox from Milton Keynes or Pete and Pearl Poppypiss from Woodbridge. The year has gone so quickly. Sean and Margo will be passing the torch, would you believe, in just an hour? Here they are. Sean, already passing the torch? Would you imagine today coming around so quickly?
SEAN: I didn’t think I would be passing the torch so soon. It’s been a whirlwind.
GRAHAM: No, I’m hearing in my ear that you meant to say, “The torch would be a surprise to be passed so quickly for me."
SEAN: But that isn’t even English.
GRAHAM: Pretend you’re foreign or you’ll never be on another reality show again.
SEAN: The torch would look lovely in my lounge for another year.
GRAHAM: Hahaha. The torch would indeed, the torch would indeed; indeed the torchwood. Right, moving on. Here are Sally and Brian Ox dancing to Rock Around the Cock. Oops, I mean clock. What am I like? Put you hands together…oh, hang on, I’m hearing in my ear that I didn’t mean ‘clock’, I mean Torchwood. So a big round of applause for torchwood. And cock.