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Welcome to goaste
        
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Elvin
In an attempt to boost sales of the flagging series,
respected science fiction author Peter F. Hamilton was hired to write a number of Elvin books.
Living Dole - a sitcom coming soon to BBC3
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Character profiles
SPENCER (played by that big hideous acromegliac from My Family and the BT internet adverts): Spencer is posh. Also he has a job, and a girlfriend (SHERYL) SHERYL (played by Catherine Tate, dressed as a schoolgirl): Sheryl is working class. Also she is unemployed, and a hairdresser. She has a boyfriend (SPENCER) CURTIS (played by a rotating cast of bastards taken exclusively from WKD adverts): Despite his middleclass name, Curtis is actually working class. We know this because he wears a football shirt. Also he is unemployed. Doesn't have a girlfriend but has a slightly homoerotic relationship with his flatmate (JOHN) JOHN (played by that cretin who replaced Ben Chaplin in Game On): John has a massive penis The TRAMP (played by Vin Diesel): The Tramp can not speak human words. He lives in a nest, in the living room. Also, in a very funny joke, it will be revealed in a flashback that he used to be a lawyer, and was well dressed and well spoken MUSTAFAH (played by Omid Djalili): Mustafah has a moustache, and wears a grease stained apron, even when Spencer sees him in situations in which it would be inappropriate to wear an apron. |
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SPENCER and SHERYL are in a restuarant, trying to make up with each other. A waiter approaches
SHERYL: I'll have a bottle of the house white wine, please SPENCER buries his head in his hands SHERYL: What's wrong, Spencer? SPENCER: The house white wine? THE HOUSE WHITE WINE! Mother was right about you SHERYL: What? What did she say? SPENCER: You disgust her. Remember that Christmas you stayed and you drank her champagne from a coffee mug? She still hasn't forgotten SHERYL: What? SPENCER: You... its just that you're so working class? SHERYL: What? The waiter reappears with the wine WAITER: Would you like to order now, madam? SHERYL: I'll have chips SPENCER begins to cry. Audience laughs |
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SPENCER and SHERYL are in bed
SHERYL: Whats that? SHERYL points down the bed, off camera, in the sort of area that SPENCER's penis might be SPENCER: What? SHERYL: That! It looks disgusting. SPENCER: Its not disgusting SHERYL: And whats all the brown stuff on it SPENCER: Chocolate SHERYL: Yeah, right SPENCER: It is chocolate SHERYL: I can't believe how disgusting you are SHERYL gets out of bed. The camera pans out, and we can see that they were talkint about SPENCER's funion, which is on the duvet in the middle of the bed. SPENCER picks up the funion and takes a bite. Chocolate smears around his mouth |
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SPENCER returns to his flat, which is above a KEBAB SHOP, named 'SHEESH, KEBAB!'. The OWNER of the KEBAB SHOP, and also SPENCER'S LANDLORD, MUSTAFAH HAM, who always wears a greasy apron, no matter the occasion, beckons SPENCER
MUSTAFAH: Spensaahh - where's your rent this month, son, innit? SPENCER: Yeah, about that - I can't afford it. MUSTAFAH: Spensaahh you cahnt - I no let you live free in my luxury new-build apartment! SPENCER: 'New-build'?? The only thing in that flea-pit that's new is the lifeforms emerging from the ooze beneath that leaky tap! MUSTAFAH: 'Urban character', Spensah. SPENCER: Oh yeah?? What about the paper-thin walls - I can hear that South African couple at it at all hours! MUSTAFAH: Is like free Television Fantasy X - see what I do for you?? So anyway, Spensah - where is rent?? SPENCER: I'll have it for you within a week! MUSTAFAH: You'd better, Spensah - or I call in the Bailey's. SPENCER: Bailiff's, Mustafah. MUSTAFAH: Them too. SPENCER sneaks off when MUSTAFAH gets distracted by some YOUTHS MUSTAFAH: Hey - keep your fingers out my garlic sauce you caaaaahnts!! |
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SPENCER is on a train, talking to SHERYL
SPENCER: I love Thatcher. Just think, if it wasn't for Margaret Thatcher, this train wouldn't even work. Socialism just doesn't work. Socialist trains especially don't work SHERYL: Wasn't it John Major who privatised British Rail? SPENCER slaps SHERYL across the face SPENCER: Yes |
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SPENCER is in the job centre.
JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE: So what have you been doing to look for a job this week, Spencer? SPENCER: This. SPENCER pulls out a large carving knife and repeatedly stabs the employee until they are dead. He then hacks off the head and runs out of the job centre slashing at people wildly. He runs trough the shopping centre until he meets SHERYL and which point he throws the severed head at her feet while screaming. Cut to SPENCER waking up in bed - It was all a dream. |
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Later, SPENCER is in the job centre. It is exactly the same as earlier
JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE: So what have you been doing to look for a job this week, Spencer? Close up on SPENCER's worried face. He looks down at his hands, and notices they are pulling something out of a bag. SPENCER: This SPENCER pulls out a funion (audience laughs) Then the JOB CENTRE EMPLOYEE has SPENCER's benefits cut off. |
| SPENCER has a vegetable instead of a mouth. He begins to scream |
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On the third barge, MUSTAFAH manages to break down the door. SPENCER is lying on the floor, covered in shit.
MUSTAFAH: Spencer you caaahnt! Why you do this to me! |
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FREYJA: ...and that was the first draft of this intentionally awful sitcom I wrote
RICK: That was brilliant. So ironicly terrible! Imagine a prole liking that sort of thing, and guffawing through his stupid snout RICK and FREYJA turn around and look at DAVID DAVID: HAHHAHAHA. OH GOD. This is the funniest thing I've ever read. EVER. Its all so brilliant. Especially the bit with the funions. FUNIONS! Like a funny onion! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FREYJA and RICK look into the camera: MAMMA MIA! |
Read the full script here
| This book proved to be Peter F. Hamilton's last Elvin book. Although no official reason was given for Hamilton's's departure it is thought that his politics proved incompatible with those of David McPipehelm, the series' senior editor. |
And there's more:
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William S Burroughs - a bibliography |
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